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This time in history has been referred to as the attention deficit age. We are short changing ourselves compromising necessary mental space.
And it is no wonder.
Everything moves fast and seems to keep moving faster. There are often so many things we need to do and so many more activities going on at once around us.
It can be quite hard to create the mental space necessary to really listen to another human being.
The mechanics of hearing sound may be simple, but keeping the concentration necessary to process meaning from words and sentences is not.
At least it isn’t for most of us.
It’s one thing to concentrate when you have enough control over your environment to keep potential distractions minimized, for example, when you are sitting alone at your computer or listening to an audio with earphones.
Distractions are plentiful, both the ones external to us and the ones going on inside of us.
Listening Challenges
Sometimes the harder we try not to be distracted the more intrusive the things that are distracting us become.
Instead of trying not to let your attention drift away from the speaker, acknowledge whatever is distracting you to the speaker. It will bring your attention back to them and let them know you really want to hear what they have to say.
If that’s not enough, you may need to take action by moving to a quieter location, eliminating the distraction, setting aside another time and/or place to speak, and honoring your need to create some mental space.
Above all though, mindfully set yourself up to succeed by minimizing the potential for distractions.
This includes things like putting your phone on send, turning off your cell phone and putting it out of sight, closing the door, putting away anything that is likely to capture your attention, etc. You probably know what you need to do for you. So just do it. It is more important now than ever before.
Listening Well Takes Mental Space
To be effective you must be both focused and present. Yet in this age of “attention deficit” it can be quite hard to create the mental space necessary to really listen to another human being. Here are three simple steps to listen better.
Above, I considered some of the external distractions you might encounter when you are trying to listen and what you could do to minimize their impact.
However, the outside world isn’t the only source of distractions. Our internal world brings a whole other set of potential distractions to the equation.
These internal distractions are perhaps the most challenging of all. Their source can be your physical and/or emotional state, your beliefs and attitudes, as well as your commitments and concerns.
Melissa Whittle (@mwhittle73 on twitter) offered the following challenge via twitter. It goes right to the heart of our internal distractions:
Silencing Internal Dialogue and Being Fully Present
While someone is speaking you aren’t just listening to them. You are also listening to the conversation going on in your own mind. It’s a bit like that image above, except on one line the speaker is talking and on the other it’s the little voice in your head that is doing the talking. It is impossible to listen to both at the same time.
Strategies to Halt the Internal Dialogue
Unfortunately the harder you try to stop the internal chatter, the more boisterous it tends to get. So instead of trying to stop the internal dialogue, I suggest you try one of more of these strategies:
1. Know the purpose of the conversation ahead of time. Why are you in this conversation to begin with? If you don’t know find out. If there is a good reason for you to be listening, your mind will be more likely to let the speaker take center stage. If not, then the issue is something other than your ability to listen.
2. Take on a practice of occasionally “repeating” back what you heard. It doesn’t have to be verbatim. Say something like, “are you saying _____?” or “let me make sure I understand what you have said so far…”
If you know you are going to have to demonstrate you were actually listening, your mind will be more likely to let you. After all, your mind is typically trying to protect you, so it really wouldn’t want to make you look bad! The best part is this practice usually results in the speaker experiencing being heard.
3. Empty your mind by writing down all the thoughts running through your head just before the conversation starts. It could be a worry, a fear, an idea, something you forgot to do, someone you forgot to call, etc. If something comes up while you are in the conversation, write it down if you can so it doesn’t get in the way. This way you won’t worry about forgetting something so you really can be present. The list will be there when you are done.
4. Engage the speaker by asking a question. This is a very effective way to direct the speaker to address what matters to you. Besides, a conversation can be much easier to stay present for than a presentation. There are some additional tips in this post How Often Do You Ask Questions.
5. When you notice that “little voice” chattering away in your mind, simply choose to shift your attention back to the speaker. By that I don’t mean try to get it to stop. That internal dialogue is trying to drag you into its conversation so they key is to not think about what it is saying or why. Just notice it and let it be. When you consciously choose to shift your attention back to the speaker, it will fade into the background naturally.
What about you? Is staying present and silencing the internal dialogue and finding the mental space a challenge for you? What strategies do you use that have worked for you?
P.S. I tried an experiment and recorded an audio as well. Click Here to listen. If you do I would love your feedback. Would you like more short audios from Random Acts of Leadership?
Many times if we are in a room, talking to someone and listening to their response and we have the problem of being distracted by other activities or conversations going on, is because we fall into the trap of the grass is always greener. We may have an interest in what is being said, but we cannot help being distracted because maybe the person across the room is saying something more interesting or important and we may miss it. This shows that we have a lack of respect for the original speaker and for what he or she is saying, or maybe it was not that important to begin with. What ever the case we need to control ourselves, our thoughts and not get fooled and pulled into the trap of believing something else is better, in most cases it is not.
Hi Kevin – I call what you are referring to as “shiny object syndrome”. While it may be a bad habit stemming from a “grass is always greener” attitude, there are other possible factors as well. I do think it is important for us when we are speaking to not take someone elses bad habit in this regard personally. We don’t have to tolerate it either – a good opportunity to speak up.
You have me thinking…My husband has been my “coach” in learning to do one thing at a time. He is a master at it! Perhaps the thing all of us need to remember is listening is “one thing”! Thanks for engaging in the conversation here Kevin. I really appreciate it!
Wonderful points, Susan! One thing I learned awhile back was to ask the following after listening to someone – “What I am hearing you say is _______________.” It is a different slant on what you state, but it sets up an opportunity to ensure our filters are hearing the message right and also show that we are engaged through listening intently and with the objective to really understand.
The 5 points you outline are all very helpful, especially in clearing our minds prior to meetings and other important conversations. Thanks! Jon
Great add to how to preface giving back what you heard someone say…“What I am hearing you say is _______________.” Thanks Jon!
[…] dedicated to instigating a leadership revolution. ← Leadership and the Moral Compass LinkListening in the Age of Attention Deficit: Part IBy MargaretS in June 27th 2012 1 Comment » Filed Under Community […]
I know, it can be annoying when someone does it to me, and I constantly fight the urge to do it when I’m listening to someone else. For myself if find the same annoyance when say I’m talking so someone on the phone and I hear them chomping on food or paying more attention to a television show than the topic at hand.
Susan —
Great article! I found this point especially helpful:
“5. When you notice that “little voice” chattering away in your mind, simply choose to shift your attention back to the speaker. ”
This is an excellent way to become a better listener. This is same technique we use while meditating and it also applies so well to working on our listening skills. Very well put!
I also loved #3. Writing things down so you don’t have to worry about them is a great strategy when you know you are going to be having a conversation with someone and you want to be prepared to listen closely.
Thanks for your comment and for inspiring this post. Glad you found it helpful.
Yes, #5 is also a practice in meditation. Thanks for pointing that out. There seems to continue to be a prevalent belief that we don’t have time to “do” nothing these days. Except listening to all that internal chatter is perhaps the biggest waste of time and attention of all.
When I saw the title to this it really peaked my interest. Actually my ex wife always said that I was a bit ADD, I do not know, but at times my mind races around on a million things at once, until I find something that really peaks my interest then I can become completely focused on that in exclusion to everything else.
Now that I think about it, with the topic at hand, maybe it comes from a tendency, to get into conversations, just for the fact of the conversation, we may not have any real interest in what is being said, it is just a time waster until something in that conversation peaks our interest or we find what we are looking for elsewhere.
Thanks for your honesty Kevin. I can relate to what you are sharing. For some focused attention is harder to give than for others. Personally, it is something I have to work really hard at as my family would attest to! Although ADD has become not just a prevalent assessment and diagnosis, but a socially acceptable excuse. Something to consider…One of the best reasons to be in any conversation may simply be to be with another human being and honor them with our listening. People yearn to be listened to and heard. I think listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give. And sometimes we really don’t have the space or desire or commitment to do so. However, pretending to listen to “waste time” as you put it has many costs, especially in our relationships and the impact we have on those around us intentionally or not.
The listening challenge for me, is the “not what am i hearing but what am i processing” for instance if you do not process the whole of a sentence , maybe you miss the beginning or a couple of words in the middle, everything else is built on what has been heard which may have a different instruction or interpretation. This would all be a result of internal thoughts and processes, ie is this positive or negative etc. One way of dealing with this is to clarify by paraphrasing or directly asking you said this does it mean that, however this is not adequate if you believe you have heard correctly but actually you have not. Then sometimes there is not enough time to process what is heard, but slowing speech is not always a solution, sometimes actually reading or writing alongside what is heard helps. Where this is not possible remembering key points and following them up is the only option. This is not good in a competitive environment where speed is of the essence.
[…] Part I considered some of the external distractions you might encounter when you are trying to listen and what you could do to minimize their impact. […]
Hi Angela, thanks for your comment. You point to something very important – it truly is hard to hear everything someone says, not only their words, but more importantly the message and meaning they intend to convey. We must learn to listening not only to the words, but also for the contect that both gives those words meaning in the speakers mind as well as in our interpretation of what they are saying. This is something I will address in another article in this series.
Although I will also suggest not listening well can cost much more time in the end than the time it takes to actually listen to begin with. It is easy to unwittingly sacrifice effectiveness in the name of efficiency.
Susan, this is a great post. I love all your points and like the idea of writing down your thoughts that are concerning you prior to the conversation. Also, your suggestion of observing the thoughts rather than fight them is an effective way to allow them to be there without them taking over your full attention. Bravo! Well said.
Marguerite @MGRecruiter on Twitter
Thank you Marguerite. Glad these ideas were helpful.
[…] Part I considered some of the external distractions you might encounter when you are trying to listen and what you could do to minimize their impact. […]
Of your two articles on this subject, this was by far the better of the two. The comments section did a good job of expanding on the topic. Your thought about ADD becoming a socially acceptable excuse strikes me as spot on. Do you think that Fear of Missing Out (FMO) contributes to our distractions? It is all too common to see people looking at their smart phones while talking to others.
Thank you for the feedback Valter! I do think FOMO is part of it. I also think the apps on our phones are designed to be addictive – all of those dings, likes and pop ups give our brains little hits of dopamine – its hard to compete with that for people’s attention! This is even more of a reason why it is so important to silence and put away our phones when we are in meetings and conversations. And I also think people have become accustomed to expect near immediate response so many feel a lot of pressure to stay connected 24/7.
Susan, great article! I love how you bring up the challenge of internal dialogue happening when trying to listen. I’ve guilty of that. Thanks for the tips!